Friday, 12 November 2010


By now I've pretty much distributed all the Wisdom worth having through this blog. But people don't just read blogs for Wisdom - they want the dirt too. And the dirt is the deep inner-workings of the mind and heart. Emotions we call them. Probably you've heard of Emotions. Maybe you've even had one yourself. You might even be having one right now. Well I have them all the time. Every fuggin' day. Not just one or two; I'm peaking double figures of the things. In fact, my Emotion frag-count is up in the hundreds. Un-fucking-believable, I know. And so here's the big payday; what you've all been waiting for, but never even knew. Now, for all my loyal followers who love nothing more to sink their teeth into my words and suck out all that rich, nourishing gravy, here is a glimpse into one day of my Emotional life.

I wake up in the morning and if you think I don't kick off the day with an emotion, you're fucking wrong, because that alarm goes off, these eyes open and BOOM there's an Emotion.

A n d i t ' s a m o t h e r f u c k i n g w h o p p e r .

I've been awake a matter of seconds and I'm already ballsdeep in the Emotional world. You should already be getting the picture - I'm a pretty Emotional guy. I get out of bed. Sure I do. Right that frigging minute. Do you think I'm going to lie around in bed one second more than is necessary to replenish the juice? No flipping way. I've got a lot of Emotions to get through today, and they don't get done by hitting the snooze button. Now I'm out of bed, and straight off I'm getting gastric Emotions up in the brain department - I want some breakfast. Nothing to break my heart over, because my cupboards are stocked. No sooner have I appeased the breakfast Emotion, but I get the I-need-to-take-a-dump Emotion. But I've had enough Emotions in my time to know that Emotions rarely come alone, so I'm not phased. Not this guy. So I take that dump, and there's another Emotion right there.

I have a few more non-descript Emotions and then step out of my enclosure into the outer-realm. If you thought you just rode along on an Emotional rollercoaster, you're about to have a frigging aneurysm, because this a world of Emotions just waiting to happen. A bird sings - that's an Emotion; a chubby kid stumbles on the pavement - that's an Emotion; a sun beam reflects off a tear in the corner of a butterfly's eye - that's an Emotion; a girl walks by with tits and an arse and everything - that's an Emotion; a dog wags its tail - that's an Emotion. It's like my heart is gang-banged by the things.

Let me take a break just there. To some, being gang-banged by anything is an unpleasant prospect. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Sure there are times when I'm being thrust into from all angles by Emotions, and I think "I feel fatigued and degraded." But then I think how lucky I am to be one of the handful of people in the world selected for the divine privelage of having Emotions and, for that, a little gang-banging is a small price to pay.


My day continues much as it began, with regular Emotional incident. And take it from me, it can be tough to balance all of these Emotions with all that life requires of me. But what am I going to do about it? Weep? Do you think that I should crumble beneath the weight of Emotion and weep about it like all those Emotionally-empty shells who spend their lives winging, whining, laughing, smiling and crying? No. Absolutely not. I do with my Emotions what that they are intended for. I package them up and store them so I can write about them in a blog giving all the hundreds of subscribers to the internet the chance to read about them and learn what it must be like to be Me.

And now you have and now you know.