Thursday, 31 December 2009

Ten Points for the Future

At midnight tonight, we enter the future.

You may think that the future is an exciting time to be alive. You are WRONG: the future is a bleak time, and by this time tomorrow, you'll wish you were still in the present where it was okay to be human. In the future you're going to notice all kinds of strange things going on. Here's a list warning you of a few of them.

1. If you have a baby in the future, it will be a mutant. It will be born with tentacles or the tail of a scorpion or the wings of a moth. Don't kill your mutant baby because it will be your most powerful ally against the robots.

2. The polarities of the Earth will be reversed and everyone who is gay will become straight and everyone who is straight will become gay.

3. You will receive a phishing email from the robot people requesting your genetic code. If you supply them with it they will erase that code from Time and you will never have been born.

4. Tony Blair will promote himself from Prime Minister of England to Galactic Emperor.

5. The robots will turn all of the oxygen into electricity so that when humans breathe in they will be electrocuted and when robots breathe in they will be energised.

6. You will have a clone of yourself sent to your door from the CIA. It will murder you and assume your identity.

7. Jesus will come back, but this time he will be a prophet of the robot people. First the angels failed God, then Man failed him; the robots are his final attempt. If you fight the robot uprising, you fight God.

8. John Milton will be resurrected by the robots and will write the final installment of the Paradise Trilogy: Paradise Reprogrammed that will confirm point 7.

9. 75% of all wildlife will be CGI.

10. The remnants of the human race will live on the moon and play low-grav five-a-side football.

Take heed.

1 comment:

  1. Our only chance is to divide the robots and make them defeat each other. My plan would be to brave the self-satisfaction and ally with a small faction of Linux-powered rebels, who will then defeat the more numerous, but less efficient Microsoft Empire. Then, having finally vanquished their aeons-old adversary, their smugness will increase to such vast levels that they implode. God won't mind as the robots will have been fighting each other.